


Hurting for Help

by SnowedInAgain



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 16:31:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14814899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowedInAgain/pseuds/SnowedInAgain
Summary: Harry faces a painful recovery after the final battle, but his wounds are more than skin deep.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling.

“Gnarlhook the Nasty plundered several villages in Southern Scotland during the fall of 1763 before Gilfred the Ghoulish could reclaim…Ronald are you even listening?” Hermione snapped her fingers impatiently under Ron`s nose. “I know tutoring isn`t your ideal activity during the holidays, but Harry is doing quite well, isn`t he? And it wouldn`t hurt your marks to take some extra notes…”

“Hermione,” Ron groaned and dropped his quill to the table, his parchment covered in more doodles of broomsticks and snitches than History of Magic. “It`s two days `till New Year`s. Harry, brilliant for caring, mate, but I`m taking a break.”

Harry looked up from his notes, smiling at Ron and Hermione`s squabbles. A few months ago he had come very close to never hearing his two best friends ever again. The final battle against Voldemort had left the light side victorious, but severely wounded. This included Harry, who had required professional care for several weeks at St. Mungo`s in an intensive care ward for extreme dark spell damage. His slow recovery had left him unfit to return for his final year at Hogwarts in the fall, which left Hermione (and Ron) to enthusiastically volunteer to keep him up-to-date on school work.

While not yet fit to return to the countless staircases and corridors of Hogwarts, Harry had made it his personal mission to navigate Grimmauld Place, his current residence with Sirius and Remus, on his own. From his first hazy memories in the hospital, Sirius and Remus and never left his side. Both had fought fiercely in the final battle and to gain 24-hour access to Harry during his recovery. While still painful, their presence had made his time in St. Mungo`s easier, and Harry was now well on his way to physical recovery with the help of his father`s friends.

His survivor`s guilt and nightmares of the battle, however, continued relentlessly.

“Why don`t we find some lunch?” Harry suggested, happy to take a break himself. “Dobby`s probably been cooking.”

“Now that is a topic I could hear more about.”

“Honestly, Ron. Most people`s New Year`s resolution is to lose weight, not stuff everything in sight in their faces.”

“Resolutions? Is that another muggle thing?”

With a huff of exasperation, Hermione stomped after Ron who was already waiting in the doorway, his eyes pointed wistfully down the hallway in the direction of the kitchen stairs. Harry stood to follow, not paying attention as he tossed Hermione`s thick History of Magic text onto the coffee table. With the thump of the thick volume onto the wood surface, a teetering stack of books spilled off the table to scatter at Harry`s feet, one knocking him painfully in the shin.

He swore quietly and slowly lowered himself to his knees.

“You two go on,” he grumbled to the floor, beginning to recollect the pile. He paused when he failed to hear retreating footsteps. He glanced up to see Ron and Hermione staring at him hesitantly. They had clearly noticed how much his arms trembled as he moved to the ground, using the couch and table for support. Hermione seemed frozen in mid step, wanting to help but wary of insulting Harry`s strength. He flashed her a weak smile. “Go on,” he said again, “I`ll be down in a bit. They`re books, not boulders.” He started placing them back on the table one by one.

“C`mon Hermione, stop your clucking,” Ron joked. He tugged on Hermione`s sleeve and she reluctantly turned to go.

The pile wasn`t really that large. By the time Ron had pulled Hermione around only three books remained on the floor. “They`re books, not boulders,” Harry muttered again under his breath. He stacked the three on top of each other, meaning to get the job over with and lift the rest of Hermione`s books at once.

Somewhere between pushing up on one knee and twisting towards the stack on the table, fire began to shoot through his stomach. He dropped his load with a gasp and clutched at his side. The books scattered across the coffee table, this time crashing off the opposite side.

“Harry?” Ron`s voice came from the hallway as he came back into the study.

Ron took in the mess of books now on the opposite side of the table with a frown, then his eyes slid back to the couch. “Harry wha- _Harry_ ”. He rushed over to his friend who was still on his hands and knees but clearly not tidying up. Ron waved his wand and the coffee table jumped aside to make room. He knelt at Harry`s side and lowered his head closer to his friend`s, which was currently hanging towards the floor. This close Ron could hear his sharp spurts of breath. “Mate, what`s wrong?” he tried and failed to keep his voice from trembling “What hurts?”

Harry clenched his eyes shut tight and dug his hand into his stomach, his other supporting him shakily. The fire in his belly that initially brought him back to his knees was now churning inside him. He tried to hold his breath; the expansion and contraction of his chest seemed to make the fire angrier. He took small gasps of air that were forced back out past his gritted teeth. Someone knelt beside him and tried to wrap an arm across his shoulders for support. Ron`s scared voice reached his ears.

“Stomach,” Harry managed between gasps. Ron felt Harry`s torso shudder as he inhaled, “Get…Sirius.”

“Sirius…” Ron`s mind had gone strangely blank as he stared at Harry`s trembling form. “Sirius,” he repeated in a whisper.

“Ron, where are you? Harry?” Hermione`s footsteps were coming back down the hall.

“Hermione!” Ron`s mind snapped back. He raised his head towards the door. “Hermione, we`re in here,” he called, “Harry`s hurt. I don`t know what-get Sirius!”

Hermione`s walk turned into a run as she neared the room. She came to a halt in the doorway, took one look at Ron crouching over Harry and swiftly turned back towards the hall to raise her wand. A silvery wisp shot out and darted away. She turned back to her friends and approached them, her eyes wide. “Ron, what happened?” she whispered. She knelt down facing Harry, taking in his hanging mop of hair and shaking shoulders. “Dunno,” Ron said quietly back. He lowered his head back down. “Harry, you`re going to be okay. Hermione called for Sirius. You`ll be fine. Hang in there.”

“Can we help you?” Hermione asked softly. She looked scared, but after a moment`s hesitation slid closer and put a cautious hand on Harry`s shoulder. Still breathing hard, Harry slowly shook his head at the floor. His mind had sorted through all the pain he`d been through and recognized this one. He took another nasty inhale that made the fire drive deep. “It`s…these…ulcers,” he screwed up his face to force out the words. He felt the fire burn in his throat. “I can`t-,” Harry broke off into a cough that made Hermione whimper in fear and Ron tighten his grip. Harry knew what he would see when he opened his eyes. Sure enough, the wood floor was sprayed with blood. Hermione shifted in front of him, and he knew that she had recast her calling patronus.

“Harry?” she had turned back to him, her voice quicker and higher with panic. “Has this happened before? What does Sirius do?”

Harry could only gasp and shake his head. Although his eyes were closed again in a grimace, he could picture Hermione fretting closely near his head and Ron, pale, staring motionless at the blood on the floor. Shaking his head seemed to be a bad idea. With it came nausea. The gasping hurt. His head was spinning. The fire knifed into him, making him retch. Judging from Hermione`s gasp of horror, Harry had just thrown up a fair amount of blood. A metallic taste in his mouth mixed with bitter stomach acid. He had no choice after the retching to take a deeper breath. A small cry of pain escaped his lips.

“Hermione, go get water and towels,” Harry heard Ron above him before Hermione`s feet scurried off. “Okay Harry, I`ve got you. Just relax. Breathe mate.” He settled next to the couch and picked up more of Harry`s weight under his arms, not that Harry wasn`t trying to keep himself upright, but his supporting arm trembled and shook. “I`ve got you,” Ron repeated quietly, possibly to reassure himself as much as Harry, “You`re not going to fall; I`ve got you.” Harry tried to gasp a response but another stream of blood poured from his mouth. He inhaled too quickly, sputtering and choking before more of his stomach`s contents blocked his airway. By this point Harry`s trembling arm gave out, and he slumped blindly into Ron, still trying to catch his breath. “Whoa, easy mate,” Ron sat back and tried to let his chest be some support. He slipped one arm diagonally under Harry`s armpit and across his chest. The other kept a solid grip on his shoulder. “No more talking. Sirius is on his way.”

The room was quiet except for Harry`s labored breathing. Harry let himself lean into Ron as he used both hands to press deep into his stomach. _He`s so big_ , Harry thought, feeling himself being enclosed by Ron`s strong arms. _Or I`m so small…so weak_ , whispered a voice in the back of his mind. _Helpless. Pathetic._ His stomach clenched again as a feeling of dread overcame him. Another wave of bloody vomit forced its way out of Harry`s throat. He couldn`t make a noise, but the splatter of the fluid on wood spoke for itself. Ron trembled a little and pulled Harry closer into his chest, trying to offer some source of comfort and paying no attention to the blood soaking into the knees of his pants.

There was the sound of a door slamming, a shout, and pounding feet. “Here!” Ron called frantically, knowing Sirius must have received Hermione`s message. He looked back down at Harry and finally noticed the blood seeping into his jeans. _Where is Hermione anyways?_ he wondered. He got his answer when two pairs of footsteps stopped in the doorway. A high-pitched squeak told him that Sirius`s destination took precedence over manners and self-control. Ron kept a tight grip on Harry as he looked to see the two arrivals. Sirius was breathless but walking carefully towards him and Harry, his dark eyes taking in the pool of blood and his godson`s shaking body slumped against Ron. Hermione peeked over Sirius`s shoulder from behind a balancing act of towels, a glass, and a pitcher of water.

“I called as soon as we found him, Sirius, he was just there, kneeling on the floor, but we didn`t know what to do-”

“Thank you, Hermione, you did all you could,” Sirius quieted Hermione`s panicked stammers gently without taking his eyes off Harry. With a wave of his wand he vanished the blood spreading across the floor and moved the coffee table back against the wall. He knelt at Harry`s side opposite of Ron and ran a hand through Harry`s messy hair.

“I`m here now, Harry,” he spoke softly. “Remus is coming any minute.”

Sirius glanced up, “How long as this lasted?” he asked Ron and Hermione, but it was Harry who responded.

“Not…long,” he gasped. He made an attempt to look up at the sound of Sirius`s voice. Sirius caught his chin in one hand and took a steady look into Harry`s face. His eyes pinched with worry as he wiped away a dribble of blood running out of the corner of Harry`s mouth with his thumb. He spoke straight to Harry when he quietly said, “Then we`ve got a while to go.” He slowly let Harry`s head drop down again before taking account of what Hermione had brought. “Good” he nodded at her pile, “just a few more things…” He raised his wand and two large basins floated into the room.

“Okay,” Sirius caught one of the basins and set it on the floor in front of them. He paused before continuing, closing his eyes. He seemed to be resigning himself to the situation. “Clearly we need stronger potion. This happened once before. Remus thinks…,” he grimaced “stress from his nightmares has created ulcers, which aren`t healing, and his stomach lining tears.” Hermione whimpered. “We just let it run its course until we could get more potion down.”

Sirius carefully pulled Harry away from Ron and slipped an arm under his stomach and chest. He supported one of Harry`s shoulders with the other. Ron moved to mirror Sirius so that the weight of Harry`s torso was shared between them.

Ron looked back down at his friend. From what he could see, Harry`s face was set between pain and determination. He kept his eyes closed as he accepted the struggle to get his breathing under control. “Remus will be here, Harry” Sirius said, trying to rub Harry`s shoulder with the same hand keeping him upright. “Hang in there.” In response Harry`s breathe faltered and a wave of deep red passed his lips into the basin. He gasped another breathe before his stomach heaved again. Hermione had sunken to her knees, a tea towel clutched in her hands resting on her lap. She slid the basin, now filled with Harry`s blood, closer to him with the tips of her fingers. The grating sound of ceramic on wood made Harry glance up. His forehead had broken out in a light sweat. While refusing to look down at the contents of the basin, Hermione leaned forward and began patting his face dry. She paused before carefully wiping his bloody lips. Harry met her hazel eyes, which were looking sadly back down at him, before dropping his head again. The minutes passed with Harry on his knees between Ron and Sirius. He had long ago given up the dignity of trying to support himself. He had one hand again pressed to his stomach and the other clutching blindly at the arms under him.

“Why don`t the potions work?” Hermione whispered. She was staring at Harry`s shaking shoulders. “Can`t Snape help him?”

“Haven`t asked,” Sirius replied, not taking his eyes off Harry, “This happened months ago. Pomfrey thought they were just slow to heal, so we gave it more time. Evidently though…” his voice trailed off, lost in thought. Clearly, Harry had been suffering more than he admitted. More existed than the physical pain and weakness that kept him bed-ridden for weeks. Sirius closed his eyes. The trembling in Harry`s body was in his body; it was his pain. _Harry, why don`t you tell me. Why don`t you trust me?_

Sirius opened his eyes as Harry`s breathing turned into a whine, one he was clearly trying to choke back. “Okay Harry, okay,” Sirius soothed. He motioned for Ron to hold him fully over the basin again.

Ron stared determinedly at Harry`s shaking back, thinking he might be sick himself. He focused on being as still and sturdy as possible, the only things Harry needed him to be right now. He felt Harry lurch in pain beneath him, a victim of his own body. The retching noises were making Ron`s throat ache. “They`re from the nightmares, aren`t they?” he said. “The memories do this.”

“Yes,” came Sirius`s reply. He sounded sad, helpless. “Nightmares almost every night.”

Harry`s body forced him forward, and he was able to gasp once before his stomach rebelled again. With his arm under Harry, Ron could feel his friend`s stomach contract, his back arch, and his chest tighten before the morbid contents reached his throat. He heaved again and again until sweat dripped down his face and neck and mixed with the tears that were now leaking out of the corners of his eyes. His gasping had turned panicked when his stomach wouldn`t falter and he couldn`t find air. Now he hung limp in Sirius and Ron`s arms, completely exhausted. His breathing came in wheezes and bloody saliva dangled from his slack, open mouth.

Hermione ducked to clean Harry`s face during a lapse. She wiped away the sweat from Harry`s eyes and the threads of pink spit, cooing words of comfort. Ron looked at Hermione and saw what he was feeling in the tight lines of her face: repulsion. Not of Harry, but of what he had been forced to become, of what Voldemort had turned him into. They were violating their friend in his weakest moment, a private time he would`ve shut behind doors and hid with a tired smile and a shrug. This is what Harry was forced to see over and over again Ron realized. He was forced to watch innocent people lose their dignity for the amusement of the deatheaters. How many had been tortured until their eyes rolled with insanity? How many screamed for their families? For mercy? At least their pain had ended in death, but Harry`s continued. It still continued.

Ron looked up at Sirius as he vanished the blood in the basin for the second time. His eyes were deep, black pits like they were in the Shrieking Shack years ago. He knew the injustice of Harry`s suffering, probably more so than Ron and Hermione.

“I think it` slowing,” he murmured. How he knew, Ron couldn`t tell. How could anyone throw up this much blood?

“Was it this bad before?” Hermione asked quietly. She was staring at Harry`s sheet-white face, mopping the back of his neck with a clean towel.

“No,” Sirius replied worriedly. He readjusted his arms. “I don`t know how much longer…” He trailed off at the sound of another slamming door. Hermione stood up and hurried out to retrieve Remus.

_How much longer what?_ Ron thought. _How much longer before Harry passes out? Before they rush him to St. Mungo`s?_

“Remus,” Sirius gave a sigh a relief as Hermione walked back into the room with Remus close behind, “Thank Merlin.”

“What happened?” Remus asked quietly. His solemn eyes surveyed the scene carefully.

“The ulcers tore,” Sirius informed him. “Ron and Hermione found him. Called me after it started. How long has it been?” Sirius looked up at Ron questioningly, his eyes slightly unfocused. Ron stared back. How long _had_ it been? It felt like they`d been kneeling on the floor for hours.

“Doesn`t matter,” Sirius gave himself a shake and directed his attention back down at Harry. “What matters is that it`s worse than last time. He`s lost a lot of blood.”

Remus tilted Harry`s pale face up slowly. He appeared nearly unconscious with his eyes half shut. Ron`s mind flashed again to muggles being tortured to insanity. Remus`s careful fingers searched for a pulse on Harry`s neck, then moved in front of his eyes, searching for consciousness. Evidently, he found it, giving Harry a small smile and stroking his bangs to the side. “Medical examination spell, Harry.”

Remus moved his wand across Harry`s body. His expression darkened with what he found. Remus stood and moved to Ron`s side “Hermione,” he said, kneeling again, “Can you get a blood replenishing potion and what we`ve been giving him for his stomach? Dobby can help you.” Hermione nodded and left the room.

“Keep him up, Ron,” Remus said, he slid Ron`s arm up so it was free from Harry`s stomach. He placed one hand on Harry`s back and slid the other under his shirt.

*  
Harry`s knees screamed from kneeling on the wood floor for so long. His back ached from all the heaving and his throat burned with acid. The ringing in his ears blocked out the voices, but he knew there were people around him. Someone was drying his face, his neck, wiping his mouth. He gagged and retched again. His eyes felt close to popping from their sockets from the pressure even though they were closed. Were they closed? He couldn`t see. The towel came again. Whatever was stinging and making his vision blur was cleared again, but it was coming back. More retching. He cried out this time. Whoever was next to him stoked his back. I want to lay down. Harry tried to tell the person, but it came out as a moan. The person tightened his grip. _You`re not listening to me_ , Harry thought. He tried again: pitiful whimpers. Jumbles of speech reached him, rumbled through him from the chests of the people around him. He hung limp hoping they`d get the message, not that he had the strength to hold himself anyways, but he was forced to keep his position: his knees on the floor, his head and shoulders over something…red. The knife jabbed him in the stomach again.

A gentle hand cupped his chin, raising his face from the floor. Remus was close to him, staring into his eyes. _He looks worried_. His fingers ran along Harry`s neck before brushing back his bangs. Harry closed his eyes as his head was lowered slowly back down. He wanted those hands to stay. He knew those hands from other nights of delirious pain. Those hands meant relief, a squeeze on the shoulder, or sometimes a tentative hug. One hand stayed on his shoulder as his whole body tingled. He felt Remus touch his bare chest, just beneath his ribs.

So often Harry flinched away from physical contact, even Sirius. He registered the hurt in Sirius`s eyes and the confusion from Ron and Hermione, but they didn`t know Uncle Vernon`s rage. They didn`t know that one touch could leave bruises for weeks, could crack ribs. But Remus was so unlike Uncle Vernon: polite, studious, shy. As Vernon only hurt, Remus only healed.

Harry felt Remus searching for Harry`s source of pain. _Please, find it_ , Harry silently begged, mentally directing Remus`s hand to the swirling fire that was burning him from the inside out. _Cure it_. Remus cautiously traced his fingers across Harry`s skin near the source of pain before lightly pressing into his middle. A flash of lightning struck, pushing the flames to new heights. Harry screamed as he jerked in pain. Mixed with the pain was the sting of betrayal. Harry had trusted Remus. He had let him in, but Remus had injured. Remus`s hand quickly withdrew, leaving Harry alone to deal with this new agony as he coughed and gagged on more blood.  
*

Remus jerked back like he had been shocked as Harry let out a scream of agony. He had barely pressed into Harry`s stomach before initiating pain. Shaking, he kept his gaze on the teenager, who was struggling to breathe through a fresh mouthful of blood. Remus stood again and quickly stepped around Ron. Choking raised the hair on the back of his neck. “ _Solutus_ … _tussire_ ,” Remus relaxed Harry`s throat, then forced him into another cough. Dark red sprayed his pants and the floor.

“It…seems to be slowing down,” Sirius said. He was fighting to keep himself from panicking. He looked at Remus “but he needs help.”

Remus nodded and placed a hand on Harry`s upper back. Sirius gripped his wand and slid it under Harry`s torso. “He`s lost a large amount blood,” Remus said gravely, also pointing his wand at the ready, “The ulcers are slow to clot and very deep.” Remus`s face showed the hurt that Sirius had conveyed earlier. He caught Ron`s scared expression as the redhead stared at the two men now holding his bleeding friend at wandpoint. “We`re not hurting him, Ron,” Remus said kindly. “He`s losing the strength to get rid of the blood himself. Just don`t let him fall.” He paused, his expression softening with empathy, “You`re not going to like this, but keep him as still as you can. Sirius may give some of his weight to you.”

Ron swallowed and nodded. What were they going to do? _Force_ the blood out? He imagined what would happen if Harry had been left alone, slowly losing energy until he could do nothing but drown in his own blood. He shuddered again and readjusted his arms. Was it just him, or was his friend becoming more of a deadweight? It seemed to be Ron and Sirius alone that was keeping Harry up.

“I`ve got the potions,” Hermione said breathlessly. She walked in holding a goblet and two bottles, one tucked under her arm. She stared wide-eyed at the wands pointing at Harry`s barely conscious form and Remus partially splattered with blood.

“On the coffee table please, Hermione. We won`t need them yet.” Remus`s was rubbing circles on Harry`s back. Sirius had ducked down to Harry`s ear, whispering comfort. “Almost done, Harry,” said Remus as Sirius straightened up. “We`ve got potion and water right here. We`ll get you through. We`ll do the work. Just relax.”

Sirius moved back again as Harry started coughing. Ron felt Harry`s stomach give a half-hearted pitch before there was a wet rattle in his throat. Harry coughed again before gurgling choked off his air. Sirius`s eyes widened in recognition. He directed his wand at Harry`s chest. Immediately, Ron felt Harry`s diaphragm contract sharply. Harry sputtered as blood burst from his mouth. He struggled for a few moments before his eyes started to go wide. Remus and Sirius glanced at each other, a whole conversation taken place in a matter of milliseconds. Remus relaxed Harry`s throat and mouth, and Sirius directed his wand at Harry`s stomach with a grimace. His body heaved again like it had before, and the blood poured from his mouth.

Hermione stood with her hands over her mouth and watched Sirius and Remus force the shaking body between them to vomit. “Hermione,” Sirius said sharply, beckoning with his head. She jumped then immediately rushed to let Sirius move free of Harry. She picked up Harry`s weight and stole a frightened glance at Ron, who looked like he was back in the Forbidden Forest facing the giant spider, Aragog. As much as Ron wanted to run away and hide from what his friend was facing, he remained surprisingly steady as Sirius and Remus continued to help Harry. Harry`s shaking body magically heaved again and again. By the end, Sirius was forcing Harry`s lungs to inhale and exhale sufficiently between fits as Harry`s panic rose and the power he had over his own body continued to falter. Gradually, the deep red paled to pink and then to clear fluid that dripped from Harry`s lips. The time between heaves grew.

Ron glanced at Remus and Sirius, their expressions still grave, their wands still ready. Couldn`t Harry lie down now? Ron thought. Couldn`t he sip some water? Ron`s mouth was dry with nerves, he remembered having the stomach bug when he was little. Still, that taste could be nothing compared to this. He was about to open his mouth when Harry`s breathing stopped again. His body went stiff on its own accord, his mouth open, but nothing filled the basin. Ron felt him go limp, and he managed to inhale with a tiny gasp. “Dry heaves,” Remus said sympathetically. He continued to rub circles in Harry`s back. “Absolutely the worst.”

A second round of dry heaving left Harry in tears. Ron knew he was trying to talk with each inhale he could get, but he couldn`t form words. Sirius had his head near Harry`s, trying to understand and comfort and the same time. “Can`t he have water?” Ron finally asked. Remus shook his head. “It could cause more damage before the clotting is finished. We can`t risk putting him through this twice.”

Hermione felt Sirius relax beside her. He let out a breath that he seemed to have been holding for a long time. Remus had a grim look of victory on his face as he vanished the contents of the basin for the last time. It took several moments to clear the floor of blood. After the magic had started, aiming wasn`t a top priority. Two hands laid themselves on Hermione`s shaking shoulders; however, she noticed that the hands weren`t so steady themselves. “Thank you, Hermione. I`ll take him back,” Sirius said.

Remus took Harry from Ron and the two men laid Harry slowly on his side, who was still panting in pain. Ron grabbed a pillow from the couch before Sirius laid Harry`s head to rest. With his face hanging towards the floor, it had been difficult to gage Harry`s awareness. Now Ron connected his pale, shining face, slack mouth, and closing, blurry eyes to the past hour. Hermione whimpered again and moved towards the water pitcher she had sat on the table. “Not yet,” Sirius put out an arm, “We have to be careful. Give him a few minutes”. Instead Hermione busied herself by cleaning Harry`s face with a wet cloth.

Harry`s eyes fluttered as Hermione dabbed a cool wash cloth across his forehead.

*  
Two strong bodies laid him down. He felt his bony hip find the wooden floor and didn`t bother bracing himself for the rest of the contact. He couldn`t. His head lolled backwards. Someone guided it gently onto something soft as the sturdy beings cautiously lowered him the rest of the way to the floor.

Water. All he wanted was water. His stomach burned. The fire in his stomach had dried out his mouth, leaving his saliva bitter and thick. Harry panted and tried to look at the people near him. Water, he thought, but he only had the strength to continue his wheezing, gasping breathes.

Damp coolness ran along his forehead. Damp. _Water_. Maybe this person had water. He tried to focus on the blurry face close to him and could just make out long, brown hair. “H-Herr…” he managed to pant. He closed his eyes again. The floor was spinning beneath his head. He tried to lick his dry lips, which were metallic and sticky.  
*

“Harry,” Hermione squeaked. Harry`s eyes had fluttered open with the touch of her damp cloth. He looked slightly manic as he tried to lick his dry lips and squint to make out her face. Never been in charge of caring for an agonized patient, she looked around helplessly for someone to tell her what to do. Her eyes landed on Remus, who was watching her and Harry as he walked over from helping Ron move the coffee table back into its place. He gave her a small smile as he crossed the floor, but his focus was truly on Harry. Wand still in hand, he knelt down on Harry`s opposite side and placed a hand on Harry`s forehead.

“Hang in there, Pup,” he said quietly. “A few more examination spells.”

*  
Harry heard Remus`s voice before feeling the familiar tingle of a medical spell travel from his head to his toes. Moments passed as he struggled to swallow with his dry throat. What was Remus waiting for? Didn`t the medical spell say that he was dying of thirst? He opened his eyes again, which gave him nothing more than blurry objects-someone must have removed his glasses- and tried to ask for water. To his embarrassment, his request still came out as nothing more than a wheeze. Remus`s soft voice reached his ears in a jumble again. The hand returned to his head and began brushing his bangs. A smaller hand he knew was Hermione`s enveloped one of his own.  
*

Sirius strode back into the room after passing off the gory, blood-stained towels and basins to Dobby. He wiped his hands on his robes as he walked to stand next to Ron, who was watching Remus and Hermione from a seat on the edge of the couch. “Any better?”

Remus looked up with a frown, one hand still on Harry`s forehead. “I can`t tell yet. That spell was too general to be sure.” He turned to look back down at Harry and noticed Hermione`s stressed face and the tight grip she had on Harry`s hand. He knew Hermione was unnerved by Harry`s delirious groans, which, from the hydration results of the examination spell, were most likely attempts to ask for water.

Remus cleared his throat uncomfortably. Judging from Ron`s ogling stares and Hermione`s white face, they had never known the full extent of Harry`s condition and painful recovery. Apparently, Harry had kept them in the dark to his discomfort more so than Sirius and himself. Deciding to continue with Harry`s wishes, Remus took an uneasy breath “Alright you two, time to give Harry some quiet.” Taking the hint, Ron shot off the couch and latched onto Hermione`s arm. With a reluctant look back down at Harry, Hermione allowed herself to be pulled from the room, the door closing behind the two Gryffindors with a snap.

Sirius looked over his shoulder at the closing door as he knelt back down at Harry`s side. “Good one, Remus,” he said, understanding Remus`s desire for Harry`s privacy. He patted Harry`s shoulder as he choked out another whimper for water.

Rather than waiting for a clear go-ahead from another general medical examination spell, Remus shifted closer to Harry`s side to try a deeper diagnostic. He pulled up Harry`s shirt to reveal the pale skin of his stomach and carefully placed the tip of his wand over the area that had caused Harry to cry out in pain. Upon feeling the wand point, Harry weakly attempted to turn away and curl up on his side to prevent the pain that had occurred previously.

“Easy there, Pup.” Sirius knelt at Harry`s side and gently nudged him back onto his back. Harry tried to resist, instinctively knowing despite his delirium to protect himself from what he had previously experienced. He feebly curled up his knees, trying to protect his stomach. “It won`t hurt this time, Harry” Remus said gently “I promise”. He rubbed circles into Harry`s shoulder as he helped Sirius guide the shaking teenager back into place. After a few moments, Harry`s feeble resistance gave out as his energy waned. Sirius and Remus glanced at each other guiltily. After a lifetime of selflessly accepted torture, they had no business restricting Harry from escaping pain or distress.

Remus pulled up Harry`s shirt again and moved his wand back into position. Harry tensed but didn`t disturb Remus`s wand. “That`s it, Harry,” Remus mumbled distractedly, more focused on the magic he was about to perform.

Sirius sat back on his heels to watch Remus work. He began to move his wand in tight intricate patterns, occasionally brushing his fingertips over Harry`s frail sides and middle. Sirius couldn`t help but be impressed. He could feel the amount of energy being produced from the spell and knew that this was a complex amount of magic. If Remus had been accepted to St. Mungo`s despite his werewolf status, he would`ve made an excellent healer.

The would-be healer let out a slow breath as his spell came to an end. “Well?” asked Sirius impatiently. As brilliant as Remus was, Sirius was still his impatient self. He leaned over Harry and picked up his hand, which he held close to his own chest. Truth be told, he would probably start giving Harry potion despite a ‘no’ from Remus. He was beginning to look dangerously faint.

“It`s close Sirius, but we should risk it. He`s suffering…”

“Agreed,” Sirius nodded. He gave Harry`s hand a squeeze before gently placing it at his side, then bounded up to fetch a glass of water from the coffee table.

“Slowly,” Remus warned, eyeing the glass of water cautiously. “He`s going to want to drink that fast.”

“Naturally,” Sirius said as he knelt back down. “Wouldn`t you if you had been chucking up blood for an hour?”

Remus rolled his eyes as he carefully lifted Harry`s head upwards. “Here you go, Harry,” Sirius said. “It`s water. Take your time.”

Harry drank greedily from the small stream of cool liquid that Sirius carefully poured into his mouth. When he moved the glass away, Harry gave a small whine, begging for more. “Hang in there, Pup; let it settle first,” Remus said gently, his lips were close to Harry`s ear, as he was still supporting Harry`s head. Remus was glad for Ron and Hermione`s absence. Although he was sure the two accepted Harry`s delirious state without a blink, he felt better concealing Harry without his conscious permission. He felt Harry`s skeletal frame shiver weakly in his arms. He wondered how much Harry had told Ron and Hermione about the pain and how much he had been able to conceal from Sirius and himself.

Remus continued to hold Harry in his arms as Sirius intermittently tilted small amounts of water and potions into his mouth. Understanding that he was now receiving a steady supply of fluids to relieve his thirst, Harry`s whines subsided. Remus felt Harry relax as he subconsciously replaced his trust back in his guardians. His agonized panting quieted as the healing potions began to take effect.

Being more of a reserved character himself, it was Sirius, not Remus, who would unabashedly sweep Harry, a near adult by age, up into his arms in his most distressing moments, whereas Remus was there to find the quickest way to relieve his pain. Remus had to admit though, as he watched Sirius tend to the frail body in his arms, it was nice, as nice as the unfortunate situation could be, to be the one supplying physical comfort rather than medical attention. His thoughts drifted back to the few times Harry was out of James`s, Lily`s, or Sirius`s arms as a baby and he finally had the chance to hold him. Sirius moved away to place the goblets back on the coffee table. Remus looked down at Harry`s pale face and pulled his body closer, allowing him to rest his head on his chest.

“It`s bloody awful that this is what we get. What it`s come down to,” said Sirius. He knelt back down opposite of Remus and enclosed Harry`s hand back in his own. Remus nodded slowly and silently, never taking his gaze away from Harry`s face. His eyes were closed from exhaustion, his mouth slack and slightly open. Water had dribbled down his chin, leaving a shining trail that ran down the skin of his neck, leaving a damp spot on his shirt. Remus knew exactly what Sirius was referring to. The happy baby that had been torn away from his parents and friends was forced to grow up isolated and unloved. _And abused_ , Remus thought, despite Harry`s see-through denials. Harry was robbed of a happy childhood and carefree teenage years, forced into becoming the saving idol of the wizarding world and spit back out into a mutilated, humiliating form of what he had been as a one-year-old. The way Remus finally got to hold Harry, to give him all the love he always deserved without him flinching away, was the way he lay helpless in his arms now, an unmentionable moment to the pride of a normal, maturing Gryffindor.

“Somehow Voldemort is still working.” Remus said bitterly. “Even in death, he`s managed to give Harry hell.”

“Ah, c`mon Moony,” Sirius bolstered. “Voldemort`s done for. Finished. We won.” He paused, looking down at Harry. “Harry won” he said softly. His voice had a firm note to it, as if proving to himself that Harry was going to be all right. He bent over Harry to dry the water from his chin and neck with a clean towel. The touch made Harry`s bright green eyes flicker open and blurrily focus on Sirius`s face. “Hey, Pup,” Sirius said quietly with a small smile. “How are you feeling?” The two men remained silent as they waited for Harry to gather a response. His eyes fell shut again, trying to piece together what had happened. “I...” Harry rasped “I`m better…now…”

“Better than on your knees in the middle of the floor, you mean?” Sirius`s voice sparkled with mirth. Even in serious situations, Sirius still managed to poke fun.

Harry opened his eyes again and threw Sirius a small smile. He made to sit up in Remus`s lap, but the smallest upward movement made Sirius shoot his arms out to press his shoulders back down. Remus tightened his arms around Harry.

“Not yet, Pup”

“Lay still for a bit, Harry.”

Harry let out a long exhale and relaxed back down against Remus. Truth be told, the movement did send a wave of heat churning through his stomach. He closed his eyes again and turned his face into Remus`s chest, waiting for the heat to pass. The room grew peacefully silent as the tension from what had occurred began to wear off. Sirius let his gaze unfocus as he stroked Harry`s slightly trembling hand with his thumb. The two marauders sat patiently with Harry between them, silently wondering to what lengths Harry had gone to conceal his obviously still existent distress.

Harry could feel their worried questions hanging in the air.

“I`m sorry” he mumbled into Remus`s shirt, breaking the silence. “I should have told you…”

He felt Remus and Sirius exchange glances above him, and he heard the hurt in Remus`s quiet voice.

“Why didn`t you tell us?”

Why didn`t he tell them? He couldn`t. Now that he was so close to being back to normal. Now that he could get around the house on his own and eat decent-sized meals. He didn`t want to go backwards. That would mean Sirius and Remus would have more work on their plates. Harry had been enough trouble already. He inhaled the faint smell of peppermint that constantly lingered on Remus`s clothes. He loved living at Grimmauld Place and couldn`t stand being apart from his father`s friends. He didn`t want to frustrate them. He didn`t want them to push him away.

Sirius, reading Harry`s mind like always, interrupted his thoughts. “Harry, I thought we had gotten over this. You still don`t trust us? After all that Remus and I have done, have we ever, for even a moment, acted like we regret your condition?”

Harry opened his eyes and turned his face out of Remus`s shirt, but he couldn`t bring himself to look at Sirius. Instead he stared at his knees which were draped over Remus`s lap.

“I`m sorry” he breathed. Now Sirius and Remus really were upset with him. Why couldn`t he do anything right?

“No, Harry. Like I`ve said before, in no way is what Voldemort did to you your fault. Nor was…whatever happened during your time with the Dursley`s.”

Harry closed his eyes and leaned his head back against Remus again tiredly. “I`ve told you. Nothing happened. They weren`t the best family in the world, but-”

“But somehow,” Sirius cut in, “a group of muggles managed to corrupt the mind of an amazing young wizard into thinking that he`s eternally worthless and alone even though he took out the evilest man to ever walk the Earth single-handedly and is now in a beautiful home with the two people who love him to the end of the universe and back.” Harry closed his mouth, lost to Sirius`s obviously correct argument. “We don`t have to talk about this yet, but soon, Pup. You`re recovering beautifully, but the Dursley`s are the last obstacle. Don`t try to deny it.” Sirius held up the hand that wasn`t wrapped around Harry`s as Harry opened his mouth to protest again.

“This has gone on too long, Harry,” Remus said, careful to keep his voice gentle. “Between Sirius and I, I don`t think we`re going to let you leave this house until you have the vanity of a hippogriff.” Harry dropped his gaze back to his knees. “We can fix this too Pup, just let us give it a shot.”

“I have no clear idea of what happened with your aunt and uncle, but we`ll still love you no matter what comes out of your mouth. Well, specifically whatever _words_ come out of your mouth. At this point I think we`ve completely proven our loyalty in relation to-”

“Sirius. Really?” Remus cut him off.

Harry had to smile at that one. Sirius was right. He slowly recalled the past months, of the time that he was fully conscious at least. Hadn`t Sirius or Remus always been at his side the moment he needed them? Was there ever a second of doubt about his new family before Sirius wrapped him in a warm blanket or Remus settled next to him with a cup of tea? _Maybe. Just maybe_. A small voice in his head said.

Harry suddenly came to the realization that tears were running down his face.

“I`m afraid…that…”

Sirius leaned forward and brushed the tears off his face. “Afraid of what, Pup?”

Harry continued shyly, “To hope…that all this…something this good…can be real.”

“Then we`ll have to prove it to you. Just give us a _chance_ Harry.”

Harry stared at Remus`s worn t-shirt, fingering the frayed sleeve in thought. Remus didn`t have to stay with Sirius and Harry. With Sirius`s new freedom and compensation, Remus could easily live on his own, but he chose to sit through long nights at Harry`s bedside. He chose to use Sirius`s money for Harry`s medical potions rather than new robes. _Life is lonely for Remus_ , Harry`s mind hissed. _He only puts up with you for time with Sirius_. And Sirius…constantly fidgeting in the corner of his eye. Never still. He was never truly given the chance to run free after his imprisonment, and Harry was only holding him back.

After all that had happened today, Harry didn`t have the strength to keep up the fight between his mind and his guardians. He closed his eyes again, letting more tears stream down his face, and weakly nodded as he placed his head back on Remus.

“Okay,” he whispered.

“Okay?”

Harry scrunched his eyes as if surrendering to a great defeat and nodded again to the shocked question.

Remus glanced victoriously at Sirius with a slight smile on his worn face. Eyebrows raised, Sirius nodded back encouragingly, in disbelief that Harry had finally conceded.

Remus closed his arms tighter around Harry, giving him a hug. “Thanks, Pup” he whispered.

“Of course, no need to worry about this now,” Sirius said cheerily, “You won`t be lifting a finger for a few days after what just happened, but when you`re ready...”

“We`ll always be ready to listen.”

“Wake us up in the middle of the night if you need to.”

“Sirius, nothing can wake you up.”

“For my godson I will.”

Harry smiled softly again. He could feel himself starting to get drowsy.

“Let`s get you onto the couch, Pup.”

Without opening his eyes, Harry felt Sirius help support him as Remus stood up. He was placed gently on the couch by the coffee table before a thick blanket was tucked snugly around him. He felt Padfoot jump up and curl around his feet. The weight by his side told him that Remus had taken up Sirius`s traditional, human position.

“Lay still for a half hour more, Pup, then we`ll move you to your room.”

Harry nodded sleepily against the cushions on the couch before pausing and opening his eyes. He looked at Remus, who was rereading his last medical diagnostic.

“Are Ron and Hermione still here?” he asked.

“Yes,” Remus replied, suddenly standing up. “I better tell them you`re alright before they break down the door.”

The slight _wuffing_ sound at Harry`s feet told him that Padfoot was laughing.

“You`ve got some good friends, Harry,” Remus said appreciatively, “Marauder quality”. Padfoot barked his approval as Remus ruffled Harry`s already disheveled hair and strode out of the study.

Harry`s thoughts were already growing fuzzy when Ron and Hermione`s concerned voices from the doorway reached his ears. He let Remus`s soothing voice carry him off to sleep.

Harry awoke several times to blurry, warm beings sitting close to his side. Goblets of water and blood-replenisher were lifted to his mouth, and warm, salty broth was coaxed down his throat. He smiled hazily during Ron and Hermione`s good-bye, the two refusing to leave until they were sure Harry was alright, unknown to him that it was already the next day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling.

On the third day, Harry woke up to weak winter sunlight drifting through his window. He carefully pushed himself out of bed and shakily made his way downstairs to the kitchen. Keeping one hand on the wall for balance, he slowly made his way to the end of the hall with little difficulty. A spark of happiness made him smile to himself. A month ago, if something like this had happened, he would have been bed-ridden for weeks. _Progress_ , he thought. Pleased with himself, he turned to face the large staircase. He gripped the rich, oak banister tightly and took a few cautious steps. By the last five stairs, Harry`s legs were trembling. He just made it to the entry way of the kitchen, which was in sight of the bottom of the stairs, before his legs completely gave way. He grabbed the wooden frame of the door with a desperate squeak and clung on for dear life as he slowly slid closer and closer to the floor. Luckily, Sirius, whose view had been obstructed behind the _Daily Prophet_ , jumped at the sound of Harry`s defeat, threw the paper down, and tore around the kitchen table in time to catch Harry before his knees hit the floor.

“ _Harry, what in Merlin`s name_?” he said breathlessly. He made to help his godson to a chair, but stopped when he realized Harry had his eyes squeezed tightly shut and was pressing his forehead into his godfather`s shoulder, clearly not focused on coordinating his trembling legs. Instead, Sirius wrapped his arms around the frail teenager, taking most of his own weight from him, and waited for Harry`s panting to slow. After a few moments, Sirius noticed that the ability of Harry`s legs to keep him upright was shrinking from poor to non-existent. In the end, he half-drug Harry to a kitchen chair and carefully lowered him onto the seat. Harry slumped down with his head on his arms and waited for the bright stars dancing on the inside of his eyelids to fade. He heard Sirius pull the wooden chair next to his out from the table and settle closely at his side. A warm hand was placed on his back.

“Why didn`t you call me, Pup?” Sirius`s voice was quiet, but clearly worried. “Why in the world did you try to make it down here on your own?”

The stars had faded. Harry slowly picked his head up from his arms, keeping his gaze on the table.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, “I thought I could make it”.

Sirius caught his chin and pulled his face towards him. His grey eyes met Harry`s with a concerned look.

“Pup,” he said, not allowing Harry to look away. His voice was pleading, hurt, and confused all in the short nick-name. Harry knew what this was about. Since he had needed less and less physical aid throughout the extent of his entire recovery, he had gradually become more and more distant. As much as he relished the affection of another being, he couldn`t help but think that the support was only a temporary show until he was back on his own feet. Sirius broke his gaze as the sound of Remus coming down the stairs carried into the kitchen. He stroked the side if Harry`s sunken cheek once slowly with his thumb, allowing himself another moment of bewilderment before sighing and getting up to pour Harry a cup of tea. _Remus will question him enough_ , he thought to himself, grabbing a mug from the cupboard. Sure enough, the sound of footsteps stopped suddenly in the doorway, exactly where Harry`s legs had given way.

“Harry, what are you doing out of bed?” Remus`s never more than mildly flustered composure betrayed a slight note of surprise. “Sirius, you shouldn`t have-”

“Caught him in the doorway before he passed out?” Sirius`s tone was lightly neutral, as if commenting on a lovely day of weather. He sat back down in his original spot and slid the mug of tea across the table to Harry.

Remus started and made his way to the chair recently vacated by Sirius. “Did you black out, Harry?”

Harry had followed the path of the mug with his eyes. He didn`t lift his gaze when it came to a stop in front of him. “Almost,” he said quietly.

At that Remus shifted to withdraw his wand from his robes. Harry closed his eyes wearily, waiting for Remus`s medical spells to begin. Sure enough, tingles began running down his spine to the tips of his toes. As the feeling came back into his fingers, he slowly picked up his mug of tea with both hands and took a sip. The medical spell continued to run its course in the silence. Willing the mug not to rattle when he placed it on the wooden table with shaking arms, Harry tried to nonchalantly lower it down without a look of concentration. Nonetheless, Sirius was staring at the whole display with his chin in his hand. He raised an eyebrow when the mug hit the table with a heavy _thunk_.

“Good try, Harry, but I can smell your exhaustion from over here.”

Harry threw him a glare, and then returned to staring into his mug of tea.

“Go ahead,” Sirius teased. “Take another drink.”

“Sirius, shut _up_ ,” Remus interrupted Sirius`s harassment as he read over the results of his spell with raised eyebrows. “Harry, you`re blood pressure is way too low. You haven`t replaced enough blood yet to be walking around safely. Actually…” Remus squinted at the numbers on the parchment. “How are you even _sitting_ right now?”

Sirius gave a small chuckle and stood up.

“Because Potter`s don`t give a damn about numbers and rules, that`s how.” He made his way around the table and pulled out Harry`s chair. Before he could protest, Sirius had scooped him up into his arms.

“ _Oof_. You`ve gotten heavier, Pup. It`s been a while since I carried you.”

“4 kilos to be exact,” said Remus happily, examining the parchment.

Sirius feigned elation. “You`re almost out of the ‘emaciated’ category, Harry! A few more weeks and you`ll have moved up to ‘deathly thin.’” He looked down at Harry, smiling. Despite his teasing, Sirius was still underweight himself. Remus swatted Sirius on the shoulder playfully with his parchment.

“No more teasing until you`ve put on some weight too, you skinny mutt.”

“Ouch,” Sirius began to turn to carry Harry upstairs, but Remus put out a hand to stop him. His eyes were pinched with concern.

“Harry? How are you feeling? How`s your stomach?”

For the brief time that Harry had been reclining in Sirius`s arms, his body had already begun to surrender to exhaustion. His trip downstairs had fully caught up with him. Sirius, in his energetic way, had scooped Harry up suddenly, making his already dizzy head spin and his stomach lurch. He shook his head slightly, blinking, and snaked his arms around Sirius`s neck, trying to ground himself in the present enough to answer Remus.

“Still hurts a little,” he replied shortly, “but only when I move.” A shiver ran through his body, Sirius felt it and hugged him closer to himself.

“Let`s get you in bed, Pup. You`re shaking.”

Remus noted the color was gradually draining from Harry`s face. He stepped closer and put the back of his hand to Harry`s forehead.  
“Try to stay awake until I get upstairs, Pup. Snape finished a stronger ulcer potion for you that should help. Let me grab the bottle.” Harry nodded tiredly against Sirius, forcing open his eyes that had started to fall closed.

Sirius turned and carried Harry slowly through the giant house back to his bedroom, knowing that as soon as his head hit the pillow, it would be much harder for Harry to stay awake for Remus.

Harry watched the stairs go by as Sirius carried him up to his room. His bare feet dangled freely in the chilly winter air of the house. Even with all the draft protection spells, heating charms, and physical reinforcements Sirius and Remus had added to their home, Harry still struggled to stay warm. He pressed himself as close as he could to Sirius to try to hide his shivers that were growing in strength.

“Sorry, Pup,” Sirius said, picking up speed. Harry`s concealment efforts had obviously failed. Again. Harry began drawing the thick quilts on his bed around himself before Sirius had fully set him down. He laughed softly as he helped his godson cocoon himself in blankets and prop him up on a pile of pillows.

“Thanks, Sirius,” Harry said softly. In reply, Sirius wrapped his arms around Harry and pressed his lips into Harry`s hair. His previous attitude when the two were alone in the kitchen had returned.

“Of course, Harry. You know I`ll do anything for you.” He pressed his forehead to Harry`s temple. “You`re not in this alone,” he whispered. Harry closed his eyes. He wanted so much to believe Sirius words. The creak of floorboards made him open his eyes and Sirius to draw away, although he still kept an arm around Harry`s thin shoulders. Harry had to smile slightly at the disgusted look on Remus`s face, who was staring into one of two goblets of potion he had in his hands.

“If you want Harry to drink that,” Sirius said sweetly to Remus, “staring at it like a dead slug isn`t going to help.”

Remus glanced up. “Sorry Harry, but this smells bad.” He wrinkled his nose like a small school girl as he held the goblet out to Harry. Sirius let out a bark-like laugh at Remus`s antics, before catching a whiff of Snape`s concoction himself. He jerked his head away sharply, like he had been stung.

“Is that _poison_?” he said, holding his nose to stare at the thick, black contents of the goblet. “Harry, you don`t have to drink that if you don`t want to.” Remus typically worked against Sirius to combat his strong dislike for the potions master, but in this case, his face clearly said that he agreed with Sirius. Thus, he couldn`t help his eyes from widening as Harry kept the small smile on his face and weakly held out a shaking hand for the goblet.

“The trick is to toss it back, like firewhiskey,” he said. Disbelievingly, Remus placed the goblet in Harry`s hand, which was supported by one of Sirius`s own. Harry paused to look at the potion and then back up at Remus. “Have the other one ready.”

Sirius let out another bark. “Toss and chase,” he laughed gleefully, taking the other goblet from Remus and holding it at the ready. He kept his hand on top of Harry`s to keep the goblet steady in his shaky grip. Speechless, the two marauders watched him knock back the ulcer potion, then immediately down the blood-replenisher, which, truth be told, wasn`t much of a chaser.

“Impressive,” Remus said appreciatively, taking one of the goblets back from Sirius, rinsing it and refilling it with water with his wand. “I should try that with the Wolfsbane.”

By this time the taste had caught up with Harry, who was now grimacing. Sirius snatched the cup from Remus and quickly held it to Harry`s lips without waiting for his shaking hands. Drinking deeply, Harry gave him a grateful look for saving his tongue.

Remus walked to the other side of the bed and began pulling pillows out of the small mountain that Sirius had created behind Harry`s head. “Any better, Pup?” Remus asked. Still drinking from the goblet in Sirius`s hand like his mouth was on fire, Harry`s eyes slid over to Remus as he nodded mutely. Finishing the first goblet, Sirius immediately refilled it with his own wand. Remus helped Harry lay back as his pillow mountain diminished. He sighed softly in relief when the flames that normally licked his insides remained at bay.

“Much better” he said gratefully to Remus, before turning his attention back to the goblet in Sirius`s hands.

“But not big on taste, I imagine,” Sirius said, continuing to help Harry drink thirstily. In reply, Harry tightening his grip on his godfather`s hand, preventing him from lifting the goblet away until it was drained for a second time. "More?" Sirius asked with a smile. Shaking his head, Harry sunk back into the pillows, and let his eyelids close. Sirius and Remus moved around him, adjusting pillows and blankets fussily until there was no possible way for Harry to be more comfortable. When Sirius said he would take the first watch over Harry, Harry blurrily opened one eye and began to protest the need for either of them to stay with him.

Remus, who was the closest to Harry at the moment, leaned close to his face, causing Harry to fall silent.

“Harry,” he said with a small smile in his most formal professor voice. “Please do not take this offensively, but Mr. Moony, as similarly told to Mr. Padfoot earlier this morning, would greatly prefer that you shut up.”

Sirius looked up with glee from spreading an extra blanket across the bed. He immediately drew himself to full height and adopted the haughty, full-blood air that Harry had seen Malfoy use so many times before. “Mr. Padfoot wholeheartedly agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Mr. Potter`s opinion in the matter is of no concern to neither Mr. Padfoot nor to Mr. Moony.”

Smiling, Harry rolled his eyes and buried his head under the blankets. Bidding good day and farewell to each other formally, Harry heard Remus leave the room and Sirius settle into a chair at the side of the bed. He gently pulled the covers off Harry`s head and helped him settle back into his pillows.

“Like I said before, Harry, you`re not in this alone.” Sirius slid a hand under the covers and grasped Harry`s. After a moment`s silence of staring at the weakened teenager falling asleep in front of him, Sirius slowly leaned forward and carefully kissed each closed eyelid that hid the beautiful, but now also heart-breaking, haunted eyes of his godson. He stared at Harry`s face and couldn`t help but trace the purple rings under his closed eyes caused by the endless nightmares. His fingers ran along the pale skin stretched over his sharp cheek bones that jutted out above his sunken, starved cheeks. Wanting so desperately for this all to be a horrible dream from his own time with the dementors, that Harry was actually living a beautiful life with his parents without fear or suffering, he brushed aside Harry`s dark bangs and kissed the lightning bolt scare that had been the reason for it all. He didn`t know how long he held his lips to Harry`s forehead, but when he pulled away, the tears running down his face had mixed with Harry`s own, leaving double trails down his pale face.

“I love you, Harry,” Sirius whispered, he wiped the tears from Harry`s face, whose eyes were still closed, as more tears poured down his own. “I love you so much. I will always, a _lways_ be here for you. Please don`t think for a second that I wouldn`t want to be.”

More tears slid from beneath Harry`s shadowed eyelids. Sirius brought their entwined hands above the blankets and held his lips to the back of Harry`s hand, before pressing it to his heart. He settled on the edge of his chair, brushing Harry`s bangs and holding tight to his hand until Remus came to relieve him.

The touch of Sirius`s hand was so familiar, so comforting, but like always, the larger part of Harry`s mind scolded the small portion that was relishing the show of affection.

 _It`s a lie_ , his brain yelled. _This is only to save face for your parents. He doesn`t really want you here. You`re such a burden._

 _But they`ve taken such good care of me,_ his heart sighed happily. _They stood with me in the last battle, fought for me, laughed with me, went out of their way to treat me better than I deserve. Maybe…this is real?_

His mind was silent, contemplating, as he began drifting off. _After all they’ve done for me, they don`t deserve to be confused when I push them away. I don`t want them to worry. I don`t want to be more of a burden. At least,_ he thought as sleep carried him off, _they deserve to understand._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry Potter belongs to J.K.Rowling.

Harry`s recovery went much smoother after he started taking the stronger ulcer potion. The nightmares still came, but at least the only detrimental effect they had on his body was a lack of sleep. Sirius and Remus continued to stay watchful through of any sign of discomfort. By mid-January Harry was moving about the house confidently, with only small cat naps during the day. His guardians had basically let the matter of his childhood drop, although he continually noticed Remus looking at him pensively, and Sirius was beginning to make him restless with his occasional sad, doggy-eye look.

The fact of the matter was that, although physically on the mend, Harry knew his mind was still in shambles. His emotions were still a rollercoaster, the slightest hint of the past summer would cause a cold, iron fist to clamp around his heart. He would often sit in his room for hours at a time, trying to recover from a recent rush of memories from the battle or the number of people that ended up dead in his dreams from the night before.

He knew he needed to talk this through, as Remus had coaxed him to do countless times, but he knew the discussion would come to center on his “hero complex” as Ron and Hermione called it, which would only lead into why he put everyone else before himself. He couldn`t push away the nasty whispers in the back of his mind that told him he was a worthless freak. Sirius and Remus only kept him because he was the hero of the wizarding world. They only put up with him to fulfill his father`s wishes.

Sometimes, he would wake up sweating and shaking, recalling that his dream-self had just told his guardians about the abuse at the Dursley`s, only to have them look at each other in one of their silent conversations before agreeing with Vernon`s reasoning and throwing him by the scruff of his neck into a dark closet. The anxiety was a constant weight on his already stressed mind. He had started eating less, and he knew that he was losing the precious weight he had managed to put on. Remus had come to him twice, asking him gently if something was going on, but Harry only shook his head and wordlessly turned away. He knew his distress was obvious and that he had to tell them soon, but he didn`t know how.

The opportunity presented itself in the middle of February after Sirius and Remus had finished giving him a transfiguration lesson. Harry couldn`t believe how much he had learned since they had started tutoring. Since he was able to spend all his spare time reading, rather than endless chores at the Dursley`s, Harry had managed to tie up all the loose ends in his schooling that he had missed due to his incapability to do homework over the summer breaks. Hermione was practically bursting with pride at his jumps when she and Ron dropped off school work during their frequent visits. What`s more, Sirius and Remus actually _explain_ the material in a way he could understand. When he had voiced out loud why the Hogwarts professors didn`t teach this well, the pair simply laughed.

“We spent years with James,” Sirius said, his eyes sparkling. “We know how his mind worked.”

“Always practice over theory,” Remus said, smiling.

Sirius, who would never admit it, was truthfully brilliant in multiple subjects, transfiguration being his specialty. Harry couldn`t help being impressed as he watched Sirius perfectly demonstrate complex NEWT sequences during their lessons.

“Ok, Pup?” Remus drew Harry out of his thoughts. “Have that next part on conjuring laws read by Thursday, and I`ll walk you through it after Sirius finishes showing you animate vanishing.”

“Moony, he doesn`t need to read,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “He catches on so fast when he physically _does_ magic, there`s no point to give him a book.”

“Only because you can`t sit still for half an hour,” Remus mumbled under his breath.

Harry smiled slightly as he marked his page and gathered the parchment littering the table. Sirius was right, he typically did much better with hands-on work, but that didn`t mean he didn`t enjoy working with Remus now that he had the time to think through lessons thoroughly. Truth be told, his magical capabilities were still extremely limited. The magnitude of the death curse he had unleashed to destroy Voldemort had fried his nerves so severely, that he was only just now capable of short bouts of magic. Remus watched closely when Sirius was teaching him spells, a tremble of his legs or a waver in his wand arm made Remus call of the lesson completely. Harry recalled one of the first times he had tried to do magic during his recovery. The simple spell had rushed out of his body like a whirlwind blasting through a farmer`s field. The spell had taken more magic than he had been capable of supplying, which left him collapsed on the floor in a shaking heap, the burn in his arms so strong and his head spinning so badly that he hadn`t let Sirius move him until the shadows had changed on the living room floor.

Harry stood up, heading up to his room to drop his books on his desk.

“Just wait until we get to wandless spells, Harry,” Sirius said wistfully, also rising with a faraway look in his eyes. “Remember how excellent those were on Snape, Moony? He never caught on to those. We`d sneak up on him after dinner and-”

What happened next threw Harry into a flash of panic. Sirius had stuck his arm out close to Harry`s eye level, miming his wandless, boyhood prank. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw an arm swinging towards him, Vernon`s heavy fist about to collide with the side of his face. With a panicked cry, the books and parchment in Harry`s hands spilled to the floor as he raised his arms instinctively to protect his head, as he had done so many times at the Dursely`s. He cowered backwards, waiting for the blow to come, only to be met with shocked silence.

The quiet rang in his ears as he realized what he`d just done. He slowly lowered his arms to see Remus, his mouth slightly agape, half standing from his spot at the table. Sirius had recoiled at Harry`s shout, and was now looking at him with horror and a strange type of recognition in his eyes. Shaking, Harry slowly backed away towards the couch in the middle of the room and sunk down with his face in his hands. _This is it_ , he thought as the realization of what he had just done began to sink in. There was no denying that he had protected himself from an imaginary attacker. He had to tell them now. There was no more avoiding it, not after making it blatantly obvious that he had been struck before. How many wizards would attack without a wand?

He heard Remus rise the rest of the way out of his chair and sit at a distance beside Harry on the couch. Sirius followed suit, settling on the footrest in front of Harry`s bowed head.

“Harry,” Sirius whispered in a scared voice. “I would never hit you.”

The silence went on, Sirius and Remus waiting for Harry to make the next move.

_We`ll still love you no matter what comes out of your mouth…We`ll always be ready to listen…You`re not in this alone._

Harry lowered his hands from his face to stare unseeing at the wooden floor. He had to do this now, or he would never get up the nerve again.

“It started when I was four,” he said in a dead-pan voice. At that Sirius immediately scooted the footrest closer to give Harry his full attention. He sat with his elbows on his knees, his head resting on his folded hands, eyes alertly focused on his godson. Harry felt Remus go stock-still beside him. He continued to stare off to the side at the floor, his mouth opening and closing wordlessly, unsure that he could actually do this. Remus cautiously shifted closer to Harry on the couch and placed a warm hand on his shoulder, urging him to continue. Harry took a deep breath.

“It started when I was four. At least, that`s the first time I remember feeling… different.”

_Harry knew he shouldn`t be up here, dirty little boys like him weren`t allowed upstairs. But he always saw Dudley go upstairs, he and wondered why Dudley was allowed and not him. With Aunt Petunia busy at the sink, Harry followed his cousin up the wooden staircase, lifting his feet extra high in shoes far too big for him. On the landing, he peered through a doorway and saw his cousin sitting on a large bed, playing with toy airplanes. It wasn`t the airplanes that drew his attention, although he had no toys as bright and new of his own. His eyes were filled with the bed covered in squashy pillows and thick quilts with cheery patterns. He thought of his thin mattress downstairs in the cupboard, and the ratty, threadbare blanket he shivered under each night._

_“What are you doing up here?” Harry started guiltily at Aunt Petunia`s shrill voice. “You`re filthy, don`t ever come up here, less you spoil the clean bedrooms and dirty the carpets. Downstairs. Shoo.” With a final glance at Dudley`s thick quilts, Harry scurried towards the stairs before Aunt Petunia got the idea to punish him. He wondered if he would ever feel a warm as the way those quilts looked._

The room had gone icily silent. He looked up to see Remus and Sirius staring at him, frozen as statues, with shadows of foreboding in their eyes. Their strange expressions made Harry hesitant to continue, but he felt something deep within himself tugging him forward. The truth was anxious to finally escape. He told them how he began cooking for the Dursley`s when he was six, and he was forced to watch them eat what he had made, while he only got cold cereal after cleaning the dishes and was then sent to his cupboard still hungry. He showed them the scars left on his palm from the time when Vernon held his hand on top of the hot stove for burning his dinner. After holding Harry`s hand palm-up in his own and wordlessly running his fingers over the strangely shaped scars he had never noticed, Remus slowly slid off the couch to sit on the floor, his knees curled up to his chest and his head in his hands. Harry told them of the endless lists of chores he would work through after school, rather than doing homework, while trying to avoid Dudley, who would ruin the cleaning job he had just finished to make Vernon mad, or try to break his nose. He told them he knew about muggle doctors, but had never visited one. He had never been to a dentist. The glasses he wore were a cheap pair Petunia had picked up at a corner pharmacy. He never had his own clothes, only the incredible baggy hand-me-downs from Dudley. He recalled being teased at school constantly. Known as Dudley`s freaky cousin whose parents didn`t even want him. When he got to the part where the Dursley`s would lock him in his cupboard for days on end when he was ill, for fear of catching something of “his kind,” Remus reacted.

_BAM_

Harry and Sirius jumped sky-high when Remus punched the floor with a clenched fist. He sat up on his knees and turned sharply to Harry, gripping Harry`s knees desperately. He stared wide-eyed, almost manically into Harry`s face.

“Harry, I`m so sorry,” he gasped, clearly distressed far beyond how Harry had ever seen him. This was not the Remus he knew. Slightly scared, he tried to pull away slightly, but Remus had dug his nails into Harry`s jeans. “If I had known… I should have known the moment I heard you were with Lily`s sister. I should`ve gotten you out of there immediately. I should never have listened to Dumbledore. I should have… I`m so sorry, I…” He covered his face with his hands and let out a sob, slumping down to rest his forehead on the front of Harry`s knees. “I`m so sorry,” he whispered. “I`m sorry, I`m sorry, I`m sorry...” Harry raised his own shaking hands to place them on Remus`s shoulders, but Sirius`s got there first. He tried to pull Remus back, but Remus only fell forwards again, hitting his forehead heavily back onto Harry`s legs. With a slight frown, Sirius leaned forward and placed his hands on Remus`s shoulders again, starting to rub up and down his upper arms for comfort. Harry placed a tentative hand on Remus`s trembling shoulder himself.

“Remus, you didn`t know. It`s ok. For all you knew you could`ve been putting me in danger.”

Remus only groaned into his hands and shook his head.

“Harry`s right, Moony.” Sirius said sadly. “This isn`t your fault. You thought you were doing the right thing.”

Remus only shook his head again. He moaned something into his hands that sounded like “My fault.”

After watching Remus`s silently shaking back for several moments, Sirius moved a hand up to run his fingers through his friend`s graying, brown hair. The two sat in silence over Remus`s shaking frame until Sirius stared up at Harry, urging him to continue, although clearly scared what he would hear. Harry`s hand tightened on Remus`s warm shoulder. For some reason, Remus`s reaction was comforting to Harry. Curling up into a ball and crying was exactly what his emotions were dictating him to do.

Harry fast forwarded to when he was older, to when Vernon`s punishments had gotten more violent. He remembered countless sleepless nights curled in his cupboard, clutching a broken wrist, or trying to lay comfortably with broken ribs.

“Luckily, the breaks healed quickly,” Harry said as Sirius stirred restlessly and let out a low growl. “Usually in a week or two. I guess it was the magic.” When Harry recalled the first time he had been belted, Sirius left his post over Remus, who was still pressed to Harry`s knees, and began pacing quickly.

Harry couldn`t help but go into more detail as the punishments got worse, as his hope for a long-lost relative to come and rescue him turned to desperation and then to acceptance that he was an abandoned freak, that no one wanted him and that this was how his life would be. Upon hearing this Sirius let out a hiss of air and gripped the back of the chair he was passing with both hands.

Harry`s words had knocked the wind from his lungs. Closing his eyes in horror, Sirius knew he was the saving grace that never came. For the billionth time, Sirius cursed himself and his decision to chase Pettigrew that Halloween night. He cursed the rat for leading his loved ones into their personal, rotting hells.

Oblivious to Sirius`s inner turmoil, Harry continued his relentless tales of abuse. Speaking was like a salve, drawing out the poisonous thoughts and words that had settled in his veins. The more he talked, the more he felt his aunt`s harsh words and Vernon`s battery lifting away from his shoulders.

Sniffing, Remus silently rose from the floor and sat close to Harry, slipping a sturdy arm around his shoulders and staring listlessly at the floorboards, continuing to listen.

Harry described how Vernon had disposed of countless Hogwarts letters (Sirius swore) in order to prevent him learning magic. Upon his return to Privet Drive after his first year, he had been pleasantly surprised but suspicious when he had been moved to the spare upstairs room. Sitting on his bed paging through his transfiguration book, he didn’t notice Vernon come up behind him and knock him to the floor. He recalled the pain of being beaten senseless, of waking up with his body aching to find his door locked from the outside and his wand and trunk no longer in the room.

“I would lay on my bed for days and wait for summer to pass,” Harry said, looking into Remus`s wide, red-rimmed eyes. “Sometimes I couldn`t even get up when Petunia would shove food through the flap on the door. It depended on how hard Vernon had beat me. I would count the days until September 1st, knowing that if I could survive the summer, everything would be alright.”

When Harry reached the summer after his fourth year, he found that he could no longer speak. The longing he had felt for his godfather during that fearful time after Voldemort`s rise in the graveyard was indescribable. The isolation he had felt came crushing back down on him. He would awake from nightmares of his parents shouts and Cedric`s lifeless body to the shadow of Vernon leering over him, only to be knocked roughly back into darkness.

Harry was salvaged from his memories by a pair of gentle hands resting on his own. In his anxiety, he had twisted fistfuls of his robes into painfully tight knots. Remus had withdrawn his arm around Harry and began gently untangling Harry`s hands from his robes, massaging his red hands in his own.

Sirius sat back down heavily on the footrest, his face a picture of sorrow and regret. Harry looked up into Sirius`s eyes at that moment, and saw his own misery reflected there. Harry knew his next words would only add salt to the wounds he had inflicted upon his guardians.

The three sat in silence as Harry worked up the courage to resume, Remus continuing to rub Harry`s hands.

“I`m so sorry, love” Sirius spoke up quietly, “As much as you want to give me, Harry, I want to hear it”. Remus murmured his agreement.

With a deep breathe Harry hesitantly began unveiling his reasoning for withholding his secrets. His fear of rejection once his ‘freakishness’ was revealed. His confession of feeling like a nuisance and his terror of being tossed back to the Dursleys`.

Remus`s hands had frozen in place. Harry looked shyly up at Sirius whose mouth was hanging open, eyes pricked with tears. The hurt on his face was obvious. Harry ducked his head back down to stare at his knees, his cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“Harry,” Remus leaned closer, “Sirius and I would never, never throw you out.”

“Or hit you,” Sirius said with a shaky voice “Or push you, or call you names, or starve you.”

“You`re never doing another chore in your life, not that we let you do chores anyways.”

“I appoint myself as your official clothes shopper. You`re never wearing hand-me-downs again. Clean socks for weeks.”

“You are not at freak, love. You`re kind, brave, incredible unselfish, smart…”

“Those relatives of yours put lies in your head, Pup. We`ll help you get them out. You`re not at fault here.”

Harry kept his eyes lowered, unwilling to believe the kind words being spoken to him. He was still afraid everything would shatter into false hope and empty words.

Sirius left the footrest to sit next to Harry on the couch and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, like he had so many times before. But this time, he came slowly, cautiously, and waited for Harry to respond rather than pulling him to his chest, in his own full-speed-ahead way. Harry sat motionless, continuing to stare at the floor, simply noticing the difference in Sirius`s behavior. He closed his eyes as he came to the realization. _He`s waiting for me._ Sirius was waiting patiently for him to relax, as normal contact always caused him to flinch in reminder of Vernon`s blows. His words from weeks before drifted into mind. _I will always be here for you._

Slowly, Harry let himself relax into Sirius. He cautiously put his arms around him before burying his face in his shoulder. After a few moments, Sirius tightened his grip gradually and pulled him closer. _He understands. He knows._ The relief that someone finally knew of all his suffering, all the reasons why he flinched away, why he distanced himself from what he so desperately wanted, washed over him like a tidal wave. He felt Remus begin to rub his back gently while still in Sirius`s arms. _They`re still here,_ he realized. They hadn`t rejected him for his humiliating past. They hadn`t come to the realization that Vernon had been right all along and had tossed him onto the street. No, they were still here, and blaming _themselves_ for the terrible stories he had recalled. All the hurt that had been bottled up his whole life suddenly came pouring out. He felt hot tears begin to form as his shoulders started shaking. Remus shifted and made a sympathetic noise.

“It`s ok, Harry, we`re not going anywhere,” he said. Harry`s shoulders shook harder. “Let it out, Pup. It`s done. We`d never take you back there. It`s never happening again. Let it go.”

Hardly believing Sirius and Remus were encouraging him to cry, he couldn`t help but let out a small whine that was muffled into Sirius`s shirt. He felt Sirius`s lips in his hair.

“There you go, Harry. Keep going. It`s ok. We`ve got you.”

With that Harry heaved into a heart-wrenching sob that shook his whole body. He clung to Sirius and let all the hurt pour out of himself. The harder he cried, the more understanding and empathetic the voices around him became, reassuring him that his cries were understood, that he would never be alone again, that he could forget his entire past right now because he was never going back.

He had no idea how long he sat with Sirius and Remus. All he knew was that he had cried himself hoarse, and the tears were still coming. He had settled into smaller gasps when Sirius cleared his throat, his voice thick with emotion, to light the hearth and summon a stack of blankets.

Warmth washed through Harry as a bright fire came to life and Remus draped a soft blanket over him and Sirius. Snuggling under the blanket himself, Remus added an arm wrapped tightly to Harry`s waist. Harry let his head fall back against the sofa as his eyes began to close, soaking up the extra body heat and gentle contact. He drifted off to the crackling of the fire and the soft breathing of his guardians, Remus brushing away his tears.

Later that night, Harry awoke to find himself curled between two warm bodies. He lifted his head slightly and found that the couch had been expanded into a bed, Remus and Sirius`s legs stretched out in front of him. He looked over at Remus to see him smiling sleepily at him on his stomach, his head and arms resting on a pillow.

“Love you, Harry,” he whispered.

“I love you too, Remus.”

Sirius`s gentle snores drifted through the room.

“Sirius loves you as well, but he`s a bit occupied at the moment.”

Harry giggled quietly and made to roll closer to Remus, but his movement caused Sirius to retighten his arms around his middle, drawing Harry tightly to his chest. He broke his snores to mumble, “Harry, don`t go,” before sighing and nuzzling into Harry`s back, his snores resuming.

With a light smile, Remus slid over the Harry and Sirius, throwing an arm over the pair and humming happily with contentment.

Such a carefree sigh made Harry pause in his slow drift towards sleep. He looked at Remus`s peaceful face, scarred eyelids hiding golden eyes that merrily twinkled so often when the two were together, like when they sat in the kitchen with an early morning cup of tea or when Harry was mastering especially tricky school material. Harry always attributed Remus`s gentle compliments and hugs to his congenial personality, not at affection specific to Harry. But after tonight, maybe Harry had been wrong all along. Maybe this warmth and these blankets and this happiness was for him…. Maybe things would be alright.


End file.
